Shake it out

This is my new theme song. I will use it to keep myself motivated whether it has to do with food or fitness or stress.

                        And I am feeling pretty motivated. Happy New Year!!!

Full Figured Women

Recently, I saw this on a friends FB status. I'd really love to embrace it and feel like I could say it and feel it too. It's a great message. 


When you’re a bigger gal like me, people like to say "yeah, she's cute in the face", as if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! And there's more to me than my weight, I also have a big heart. Yes my clothes may be a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight, and we never have a problem getting a date. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a hot, sexy, curvy woman with a figure that's full.

I wish I could claim these words and really and truly feel them. But I can't. I still feel fat. And gross. And the worse I feel, the more I eat. I really try to take to heart the compliments I have been getting from men at work. Many of them have seen me struggling to eat well and have said to me I don't need to lose weight. That I look wonderful the way I am. I have had many of my girlfriends tell me the same thing...that the women that were worshiped in the olden days had full figures like mine. That I look great. I love my friends. They are so sweet to tell me this. But I don't feel wonderful, or beautiful. 

I have tried everything-appetite suppressants, diets, counting calories, working out- and lately, I've just given myself a pass. I don't think I've given up for good. But I have definitely decided I need some time to think. The only way I am ever going to lose this weight is to really and truly make a lifestyle change. This is going to take really hard work and determination. I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I will have to keep reflecting. 

I will be strong enough eventually and I'll get where I want to be. In the meantime, I am trying to learn how to be comfortable with myself, in my own skin. I'm trying to learn how to see myself how others see me. It's hard. Really, really hard. But I don't know what else I can do.