Full Figured Women

Recently, I saw this on a friends FB status. I'd really love to embrace it and feel like I could say it and feel it too. It's a great message. 


When you’re a bigger gal like me, people like to say "yeah, she's cute in the face", as if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! And there's more to me than my weight, I also have a big heart. Yes my clothes may be a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight, and we never have a problem getting a date. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a hot, sexy, curvy woman with a figure that's full.

I wish I could claim these words and really and truly feel them. But I can't. I still feel fat. And gross. And the worse I feel, the more I eat. I really try to take to heart the compliments I have been getting from men at work. Many of them have seen me struggling to eat well and have said to me I don't need to lose weight. That I look wonderful the way I am. I have had many of my girlfriends tell me the same thing...that the women that were worshiped in the olden days had full figures like mine. That I look great. I love my friends. They are so sweet to tell me this. But I don't feel wonderful, or beautiful. 

I have tried everything-appetite suppressants, diets, counting calories, working out- and lately, I've just given myself a pass. I don't think I've given up for good. But I have definitely decided I need some time to think. The only way I am ever going to lose this weight is to really and truly make a lifestyle change. This is going to take really hard work and determination. I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I will have to keep reflecting. 

I will be strong enough eventually and I'll get where I want to be. In the meantime, I am trying to learn how to be comfortable with myself, in my own skin. I'm trying to learn how to see myself how others see me. It's hard. Really, really hard. But I don't know what else I can do. 

Starting Over

I failed my attempt to lose weight. I really thought I was going to get there this time. I was doing so well!! What happened?

I'm really not even sure what happened. All I know is that one day, I was dutifully plugging my calories into my app and running around the track at Seth's baseball practices and I was feeling great. I blinked, and I'm back at 200 pounds and my pants are getting tighter by the moment. Looking back, there isn't an actual moment it all fell apart, but I definitely quit trying.

I haven't ever hidden the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety and while I know I can't blame this entirely on that, I do know that it has a big part in my undoing. I just got so busy and so lost in what was going on with work, kids, husband, baseball practice, baseball games and baseball tournaments, that I started taking the easy way out and running through the fast food windows. I got so tired that I quit working out, retiring to bed the first moment I could.

I may have been suffering one of my worst bouts with stress in a long time. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do everything I had to do and eat right and exercise too all at the same time. I don't know why. I feel sick and disgusting after some of the things I eat. I feel heavy and tired and just unhealthy, but I keep on eating. Why? Because food tastes good. I love to eat. I think if I had this problem with something other than food, like, cocaine, I might be in some deep trouble. But that's the problem...I am in deep trouble. I keep finding myself in this rut, overeating and not exercising and the weight keeps coming back.

So, today, I told myself I was starting over. I will try once again to lose the weight and to exercise and to eat better. We shall see what happens. This time I don't think I'll have my hopes up. But if the first step to getting rid of a problem is to admit you have one, then I have already taken one step.