Starting Over

I failed my attempt to lose weight. I really thought I was going to get there this time. I was doing so well!! What happened?

I'm really not even sure what happened. All I know is that one day, I was dutifully plugging my calories into my app and running around the track at Seth's baseball practices and I was feeling great. I blinked, and I'm back at 200 pounds and my pants are getting tighter by the moment. Looking back, there isn't an actual moment it all fell apart, but I definitely quit trying.

I haven't ever hidden the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety and while I know I can't blame this entirely on that, I do know that it has a big part in my undoing. I just got so busy and so lost in what was going on with work, kids, husband, baseball practice, baseball games and baseball tournaments, that I started taking the easy way out and running through the fast food windows. I got so tired that I quit working out, retiring to bed the first moment I could.

I may have been suffering one of my worst bouts with stress in a long time. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do everything I had to do and eat right and exercise too all at the same time. I don't know why. I feel sick and disgusting after some of the things I eat. I feel heavy and tired and just unhealthy, but I keep on eating. Why? Because food tastes good. I love to eat. I think if I had this problem with something other than food, like, cocaine, I might be in some deep trouble. But that's the problem...I am in deep trouble. I keep finding myself in this rut, overeating and not exercising and the weight keeps coming back.

So, today, I told myself I was starting over. I will try once again to lose the weight and to exercise and to eat better. We shall see what happens. This time I don't think I'll have my hopes up. But if the first step to getting rid of a problem is to admit you have one, then I have already taken one step.

Giving Up

Today, I am really feeling like giving up.

Everything I try to lose the weight only lasts a few weeks before I just get so tired of trying. Why does it have to be so hard to lose weight? It's so easy to put it on. Why do we have to gain weight at all? Why weren't our bodies made to be perfect and stay that way?

I'm so frustrated. Why can't I eat food that tastes good and not feel so guilty afterwards? Why can't I just lay down on the couch without feeling ridiculously lazy?

Sigh.

Oh by the way, the soup diet was a waste of time. Don't do it. I was tired of the soup by the end of the second day. I couldn't even finish a one week long diet that was so simple a monkey could do it.

Maybe I am just meant to be fat.