Two Steps Back

One step forward, two steps back. Such is the story of my life the last few years. Motivation is fleeting and only comes around every few weeks. While I am motivated, I eat well, I might exercise a little and I lose weight. It's greatness! But it only ever lasts a couple of weeks, and I'm right back to my old ways!

Recently, I lost 4 pounds. I have already gained it back. I take full responsibility for it...as I just gave up and quit watching what I was eating. There has been alot of stress as of late, and while it didn't use to be the case, when I am stressed, I eat alot! Oh how I wish it wasn't the case!

A long time ago, while in my first year of college(yes, I did gain the freshman 15), my boyfriend of two years broke it off unexpectedly. I was so distraught and sick to my stomach with grief that I just didn't eat. I couldn't. If I did, I got sick. I lost alot of weight, about 25 pounds. If I were to lose 25 pounds now, I would still be overweight, but then, it put me a little underweight...although, I will admit that I looked HOT! I was thin and could wear whatever I wanted. I liked how I looked. I of course began eating again, and gained 10 pounds back, putting me back at my recommended weight of 145. I stayed there until I became pregnant with my son. Somehow, with the help of my mother, I was able to get back to 145 after having my son and it didn't take too long. But I started gaining again about the time I moved in with my now husband. Happiness equals heaviness maybe? IDK.

The next unintended weight loss came months before I was married in 2008. I was probably about 175...of the exact number, I'm not sure, because I judged how I looked and felt by the size I wore, and at that time I was wearing a 12. I am the happiest and healthiest when I am wearing an 8. Ironically, right now I would be thrilled to wear a 12. Shortly after purchasing my wedding dress, I became ill. I couldn't eat a thing without terrible pain. It turned out it was my gall bladder and I ended up having it removed, but between January and April when it was finally taken out, I lost so much weight that I was back in an 8 and I had to have my wedding dress taken in. Alot. When I went for my fitting, it fell off me, literally. That was a great feeling, but short lived, because once the gall bladder was out and I could eat something besides jello or chicken broth, I did and I gained it all back. I bought a size 14 by the time I found out I was pregnant with Stella which was a mere 5 months after our wedding. That is ALOT of weight in such a short time.

While I don't know what happened to my brain or my body between getting pregnant with my son in 2003 and now, I do know that something changed and not for the better. I no longer have the willpower to stop eating when I should, or to choose an orange over a bag of potato chips. I no longer have an abundance of energy to go running down the street instead of going to bed at 8 pm. I'm old and tired. Okay, I'm not old, but I am tired and I do need to find a way to fix this! I need to find a happy medium and somehow trick my brain into thinking the way I used to, which was basically, "Oh, I'm so busy, I don't have time to eat!" and by the time I got around to it, I either wasn't hungry or would only have a small meal. Now, I am constantly thinking about what I will eat next and how much longer should I wait before it isn't deemed too short a time between meals...WOW. That is sick! I mean, surely I have some sort of problem!!!

Well, those were my thoughts for the day...sometimes I am just too tired to have a sense of humor about the whole weight loss issue. For me, it isn't just an easy fix...I have to change my entire way of thinking, and it isn't easy at all.

Dear Progress

Dear Progress,

I hate the way you taunt me and tease me. You come and go so fleetingly and never leave me satisfied. Just when I think I have you all figured out, you disappear again. I try so hard to keep you within reach, but instead I find myself running after you, grabbing air when trying to grab you. Of course I mean running figuratively, and not literally, because if I was really running after you, perhaps I might actually catch you.
One day, I will get you and you'll pay...

Sincerely,
Skinny Seeker

Juicy Goodness

Let's talk about weight loss, shall we? Losing weight is way too hard for some of us happy eaters. I love food, ok? I mean...I really, really love it. I hate having to limit myself and I hate counting calories. I hate having to drink tons of water and having to cut down my soda intake. I don't like diet soda, and yes, I do realize that it has no calories. That doesn't make it taste better to me!

I love cheeseburgers. I just love them SO much. I like them with cheese, pickles, mustard, onions, tomatoes and lettuce. Add on some crispy, slightly burned bacon and I'm in heaven. Oh, the juicy goodness. Burger King has this burger they came out with recently...it's the Stuffed Steakhouse burger. It has cheese and jalapenos INSIDE the meat! Brilliant!! It has lettuce and tomato, and it's topped with this amazing poblano sauce. When I saw the commerical for this burger my eyes got wide and I had to wipe the drool away from my mouth. When I tasted it, I thought I might die from pleasure. It is really yummy!! This burger weighs in at a whopping 600 calories! You don't even want to know the fat or sodium content. Yikes!!

I got a little sidetracked there...as I was saying...it is really hard for me to limit myself. I have tried many ways to do this. I have a membership on several websites where you can have a profile, friends and put in your calories every day...I usually last a week or two on those, and I then I think I have it under control only to step on the scale and see my loss come to a screeching hault. Hmmph.

I have not gone running since my last run from last week...oops. I have chased around a very energetic toddler though, so that should count for something! I swear I will exercise this week! I have to!! I have also noticed a huge drop in my appetite and a very big difference in my thoughts about food. I normally would think about food all day. What will I eat for my next meal? How much will I eat? I would torment myself with thoughts of juicy burgers and healthy salads. Which do I choose?? Oh gosh. Decisions. If I chose the burger, I would hate myself for a week! If I chose the salad, I would see a sad burger in my head taunting me. Oh, the horror!! But, the last couple of weeks, I have not worried over what I will eat and I have actually stopped when full. I was at the mall this weekend, and for some reason I decided I would get some terriyaki chicken and some noodles at the japanese stand. It wasn't very good. I ate a few bites, and I stopped. Usually, I would want to eat the hole container. But I stopped!! I'm so proud of myself! I'm learning.

The scale sits at 193 today. I realize if I did more to help myself along this number could be alot less, but I also know my strengths and weaknesses and I feel like taking these small steps is really helping me not only to grow as a person, but to really take control and responsibility for my choices.

Ode to Chocolate

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I love thee with nuts
I love thee without nuts
I love thee with crispy crunch
I love thee milky and smooth
I love thee dark and bitter
I love thee with caramel filling
I love thee with nougat
I love thee with marshmallow
I love thee cold and frozen
I love thee melting in my mouth.

Oh Chocolate...How do I love thee? Let me count the ways....

Run, Forrest, RUN!!!

            

For the past couple of months I have been fantasizing about suddenly dropping the 45 pounds I want to lose. I have been daydreaming about walking down the street with my hot new body, in a super cute pair of shorts and a tank top and actually enjoying the catcalls coming my way. Unfortunately, I am not magic and can't make that weight fall off without effort, as much as I would really love to!  Yes, it is hard. Yes, it sucks and for the last year it has been a constant dance of one step forward and two steps back. I have lost weight and gained it back. I have started to workout and then wussed out. But this time, it's on like Donkey Kong! So, I have been slowly getting myself prepared for some exercise and making some seemingly small changes to the way I eat and think/feel about food. I think having a goal like mine is what has me more serious this time.

I have been eating less, not necessarily super healthy, but definitely trying to listen to myself when I'm full, and stop eating. I have stopped snacking all day long and I have limited myself to one soda per day, unless I just can't cope. Then I allow myself another. I have learned that depriving myself of what I like just makes me want it more and binge later, so, I try not to deny myself small pleasures. But, I have also learned that there are healthier ways to get my cravings. Now, the only thing missing is some exercise!

The past few weeks, I have watched my husband go to the gym and workout, and instead of joining, I took a nap. I kept thinking, I will go out and run. This will be a stress reliever and it will get me back into shape. As soon as the baby goes to sleep...As soon as I am not so tired...excuse after excuse. I really pictured myself running like the wind down the street, effortlessly, feeling so light and free. But even I know it doesn't start off that way when the last time you ran was in jr high cross country!! So, I kept putting it off. My husband bought me a new pair of running shoes over the weekend and I thought, 'Wow...okay, this is getting real. I can't waste money on these shoes!' So, I decided Monday night I would go on my first run. I got a migraine. I felt relieved. I won't lie. Inside I was doing a fist pump. Yes! I don't have to run!! The same thought process that I've had over the past year came back into my head. I'll do it tomorrow. UGH! How many times will I say that before I don't even believe myself??!!

Last night, over dinner, my husband mentioned he lost 15 pounds in the last two weeks! WHAT!!???!! Can this be true? I have been eating less for two weeks, and barely lost a pound, and he has lost 15 pounds? Suddenly I felt like I was in a Slim Quick commercial...you know the one where the woman and her man diet for a month, and the man gets super thin and she only loses 1 pound??? That is what went through my head. I felt so discouraged! Why do the men lose so much easier than us? I thought to myself, 'No WAY!!! I won't do this to myself anymore!' I pictured myself running again. I suddenly got an image from Forrest Gump in my head, running down the street in his little leg braces, as they fall off and he just keeps running! Yes!!! Run, Forrest, RUN!!!

So, after cleaning up the kitchen, I changed into sufficient clothes, and laced up my shiny new shoes. I asked my son if he would like to join me and off we went. We walked at first, then we would pick out distances. 'Okay, let's run to that tree down there,' and off we would go. My chest burned, my legs ached, and my butt jiggled. UGH!!! It made me feel so gross! But, I had to keep going. The last little run we did('okay, let's run to the end of that fence down there') was not a long distance. BUT, I kept going!! My son called out to me, 'Wait Mom!! Slow down!' I stopped and jogged in place to wait for him. He said, 'Wow, Mom, you're doing really good.' Music to my ears!

Confession

We bought new running shoes this weekend. My plan was to take a nice walk/jog yesterday evening once the kids were in bed. I confess...I didn't do this. But I have a great excuse! I had a migraine...the kind where lights and sounds hurt and you want to puke! I hate those!

In other news, though, my pants are not digging into my skin tight like they were a couple of weeks ago. The scale still says 197 or 196 depending on the time of day, but the extra bloat is definitely going away. The pants I wore yesterday had some room in the butt and thighs and two weeks ago, they were skin tight!

I consider this a success! I may not be dropping 10 lbs a week or anything, although I am definitely eating less and getting full faster. I think a little bit of willpower goes a long way!

Skechers Shape Ups

Yes, I have a pair of those. They are huge and chunky and not necessarily the cutest shoes around, but they do work!

Saturday we had a very busy day and were running around all day long. I wore my pair of shape ups just to try and give myself some extra exercise while walking all over the place. Oh man, are my legs still sore today!! About halfway through the day, at our 5th or 6th stop at the mall, I thought to myself, "Dang, my butt kinda hurts...what did I do last night?" And then I realized I had those shoes on! Wow!

By the time I kicked those suckers off my tired feet that night at 10 pm, my legs and butt were burning! Rock on Skechers!!! Rock on!!

Chasing Kids is Exercise

Sunday I weighed 197. Today I weigh 196.4. Success!!! Ha ha. Okay, I know it isn't a huge success, but it is something! So far this week, I have only had one soda per day, haven't snacked during the day at all, have been drinking TONS of water and have stuck to a calorie count. Now, don't get me wrong, I did have pizza on Tuesday, but I stopped after the second slice, which is a HUGE deal for me. Besides, it had mushrooms on it. That makes it healthy right? And we grabbed burgers last night after baseball practice. BUT, I only ate a little more than half of my burger and didn't even have one fry! So, this is progress.

Let's talk about exercise! I still haven't started running 3 miles at 3 am before work...nor have I done 50 jumping jacks after dinner...but, I work in a warehouse and the restroom is pretty far away. Since I've increased my water intake, I have also increased my trips to the bathroom! When I go, I try to walk super fast, and then on the way back, I take an extra loop around the long way! I'd do this on the way to the ladies room, but seeing as how I'm practically running just to make it to the toilet on time, adding on extra mileage would probably cause some sort of spill. I mean, I wouldn't want the safety guy to have to break out the hasmat suit and bloodborn pathogens kit or anything!!

Yesterday, my husband and I had to chase our toddler around a rather large field while our son had baseball practice with his team. I chased her back and forth, and picked her up and walked a ways, and so on and so forth. My husband lifted her up and played with her, put her down. She would run to me...I'd do the same and she'd run back to him. By the time practice was over, I was breathing pretty heavy! I definitely think that counts as exercise!!

I haven't changed my entire lifestyle, and likely never fully will. But I made some small changes that are like moving mountains for someone like me! I have an exciting goal to work towards(nope, I'm not telling what it is, but it's a good one!)and I think I may just get the job done for once!!!

Food: Friend or Foe?

Okay, let's face it. Dieting sucks. I mean, I'm talking about dieting as in South Beach Diet, or Low Carb Diet...you know, all the fad diets that are always coming out of the woodwork. All these hot, rich celebrities come on tv showing off their perfect bodies and saying they got that way by doing this diet or that diet, or taking this or that pill. We look at them and think, "Man, I want to look that good" and go out and buy the latest pill or a book on the latest diet. And we give it a good run, stick to it for a month and lose--drum roll please--nothing. Not a pound. Nada. Zilch. UGH!!! And it's back to the drawing board for us.

We all know the truth. Those celebrities have personal trainers to kick their ass in the gym every day. They have enough money to have a quick little nip and tuck without anyone knowing. They have a nutritionist and a dietician, a personal chef and a personal assistant...all things that the average person just can't afford. When it all comes down to it, we are on our own to figure out what works best for us. Pills make you feel high or jittery and cutting out carbs leaves you feeling slow and tired...there has to be a happy medium! 

Some lucky ducks have a naturally high metabolism and can eat whatever they want all day long and never gain a pound their whole life. Unfortunately, some of us have to work at it. I am in that category. I used to eat whatever, whenever and wouldn't gain a pound. But now that I look back, I have figured out that I was super active back then. All through school, I was involved in some type of sport or dancing activity that involved constant movement, therefore, my metabolism must've been higher. My body chemistry was also very different then. I didn't eat if I was stressed and would lose weight. I was almost always too busy having fun to slow down and eat. After kids, a sedentary lifestyle where I sit at a desk for work, and life on the run, always running to this event or that baseball practice, fast food becomes a crutch and an easy out. I now eat when I'm happy, have something I love when I'm sad or have a bad day. I go ahead and have that extra Starbucks with all the bells and whistles when I'm extra tired. But it takes a toll on your body!!

Truthfully, there isn't any magic pill or amazing diet that will get you into those skinny jeans, or have you wanting to don a bikini all summer. It all boils down to how bad you really want it. There isn't an easy out. You have to make the lifestyle change. You have to eat right--yes, that means eat your veggies!!--and exercise. I have started this many times since the birth of my daughter 16 months ago. I have lost 25 pounds at the most, but every time I lose a significant amount, I end up gaining it right back! I lose my motivation after a few weeks of "being good". I fall back into my old habits and it all piles right back on, and then some. Sigh. I usually spend a few weeks feeling down on myself about it and then get right back on that horse. Somewhere inside, I know that fiery spirit with all the willpower of a buddhist monk still exists! And I will find her!!

UGH!!! Who wants to exercise? I don't!!! And I just want a cheeseburger I tell you!! But, now that my kids are getting old enough to understand, I really need to be a better role model if I want them to stay healthy as they grow up. So, eating right? I'll get there. Right now, I am just focused on eating less! Not so much snacking in between meals and not going back for seconds or thirds is my first goal! Also, drinking more water than soda. Then maybe I'll add in some exercise...Maybe.

The Definition of Diet

di·et

[dahy-it] noun, verb, -et·ed, -et·ing, adjective

–noun

1.

food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health: Milk is a wholesome article of diet.

2.

a particular selection of food, especially as designed or prescribed to improve a person's physical condition or to prevent or treat a disease: a diet low in sugar.

3.

such a selection or a limitation on the amount a person eats for reducing weight: No pie for me, I'm on a diet.

4.

the foods eaten, as by a particular person or group: The native diet consists of fish and fruit.

5.

food or feed habitually eaten or provided: The rabbits were fed a diet of carrots and lettuce.

6.

anything that is habitually provided or partaken of: Television has given us a steady diet of game shows and soap operas.

–verb (used with object)

7.

to regulate the food of, especially in order to improve the physical condition.

8.

to feed.

–verb (used without object)

9.

to select or limit the food one eats to improve one's physical condition or to lose weight: I've dieted all month and lost only one pound.

10.

to eat or feed according to the requirements of a diet.

–adjective

11.

suitable for consumption with a weight-reduction diet; dietetic: diet soft drinks.

 

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/diet

HOT MAMA!!

 I am the hottest and the thinnest I've ever been--in my head. Sigh.

 Actually, I am the heaviest I've ever been. I weigh in at a whopping 197. I am 5' 5 1/2". "They" say that I should weigh between 135 and 150 for my height. Let me tell you something. If I weighed 135, I would be non-existent!! Ha! But 150 would be amazing! I would love that.

 Why, do you ask, am I the heaviest I've ever been? Well...there are a variety of excuses and reasons...lack of exercise, two kids, laziness, food addiction, stress, time contraints, money issues... Sure, I have a list of reasons why I have let myself go so much. But none of them really matter...because I am the one who ultimately has to live with how I feel when I look in the mirror or look at a picture of myself.

 I want to be fit again. I want to be thin again. I want to love myself again. I diet on and off, and my weight goes up and down and I fall off the wagon alot. I am not afraid to tell the truth. I mean, I really love cheeseburgers. Is it really a crime? Ask my arteries. I love pizza. Is it really so bad to eat a few slices every other day? Ask my thighs. I am hopelessly addicted to soda. Is it such a bad habit? Ask my fat belly...

 Today I decided it is time--time to get back on the wagon and search for what works for me. Last night, I bought a book called Think Thin, Be Thin, or something along those lines. I will read this book and see if it helps, even though the previous books have fallen to the wayside, unread or unfinished. So far this morning, all I've had is a slim fast, and two 20 oz bottles of water. I'm hungry. I'm irritated. I'm annoyed.

And so begins my quest for skinny.