Slug

This is how I feel....like a slug. Slowly slithering along, looking rather gross. I look pregnant, I am so fat. I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that I cannot get myself out of this cycle of being so very tired and just take the damn walk. Seriously, what is so hard about putting on some shoes and going outside and walking? Why can't I do it? UGH. It's a big huge depressing circle...I lose some weight. I feel fantastic. I eat a cheeseburger to celebrate. I binge on said cheeseburger and eat more than I should. I get back into the habit of driving through when we're busy and grabbing something fast. I gain that weight back. I get sad. I get tired. I get determined. I start all over again.
It's rather annoying and pointless if you ask me. Yesterday, a co worker came to ask me a question about her hours. When I clicked my desk top, the picture of my wedding day appeared since it is my background. She looked at it, and looking quite surprised, said, "Is that you? For real?" while looking at me in my current state. I had to hold back tears. I know she didn't mean any harm, I know she was just surprised at how much bigger I am now than I was in that picture. Of course, I could not bring myself to tell her it was only 2 years ago.

Somewhere inside me, I know I have the willpower and the strength to get this weight off. I've done it before and I can do it again, but right now, I just don't know how. Even my sense of humor seems to be lost in there. Have you seen it?

What's the opposite of success?

Main Entry:	standstill
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	stop
Synonyms:	arrest, cessation, check, checkmate, corner*, dead end, dead stop, deadlock, delay, gridlock, halt, hole, impasse, inaction, pause, stalemate, standoff, wait

http://thesaurus.com/browse/standstill

Standstill. Yep. That's where I'm at right now. Let me just be serious for a moment. I am having a really difficult time losing weight. It's so very hard. I mean, really, really hard. I look at people all around me doing it on their own and they all look fantastic and it seems so easy for them. So, why can't I do it? Why can't I make myself put down the cheeseburger? Why can't I make myself take a walk? I don't know. I'm not afraid to be honest. I do suffer from severe anxiety and I take medication for it. That anxiety makes it so hard for me to do some seemingly easy daily tasks because I have obsessive thoughts about them. Eating for example...when I was younger, as in before children and before anxiety(mine was brought on with the birth of my kids), I had no issues with food. I didn't care. I liked food, but I didn't think about it ALL the time. I ate when I was hungry and didn't give it much of a thought. I was active. I was thin. I didn't overeat.

Now, all day long I think about what I will eat next. I argue with myself over my choices and then I have tremendous guilt when I convince myself to drink a soda or eat a candy bar. It makes me feel like a crazy person. Certifiably nuts! I also tell myself all day that I will go home and take a walk. I'll take the kids and we'll walk to the park. I'll do some sort of work out. I'll do it. And then I go to bed. And I go to sleep. And I wake up feeling guilty and then I step on the scale and the number is higher and I want to cry.

The struggle is breaking through this cycle. If I can break the cycle, I can lose the weight and I can stop obsessing over food. What even makes a person obsess over food like this? I wish I knew! I have gotten there before...so far I've only made it last a few weeks. Somehow, I will pass a few weeks, then I will pass a few months and before I know it, I will be skinny again. I will.

Success!!

Well, I did it. I lost that extra 3 pounds I gained, plus the 4 I had regained!!! Go me!!! Truth be told, I think the extra 3 was because of female bloat...but all that really matters is that it's gone. I haven't read much more of my book. Ha ha. I told you...I am so bad at stuff like that. I mean, I know I need to lose the weight. I want to lose the weight...but when you get down to actually doing the work and losing the weight, um...excuse me, I need to go take a nap. After I eat my cheeseburger. Ha ha.

This week, I bought some ground turkey to make some burgers with. I did this because I am obsessed with cheeseburgers for some reason(yes, I had one for dinner last night when we went out for Mother's Day). Anyhow...I love that jalapeno cheddar stuffed burger from Burger King and I must have a cheeseburger at least once a week to be satisfied...so, I got some ground turkey. I will put in some cheese and jalapenos and make my own, lighter version of the burger I love so much.

Next on my list...taking that walk I set out to take every day this week and haven't done yet...Perhaps I will take some laps at my son's baseball practice tonight. Happy Monday burger lovers!!!

I think, therefore I am...

THIN!!!! Oh, yes, I am thin and beautiful. I am healthy and I feel good about myself. At least, I am learning to think so...

I finally got around to picking up that book I talked about in my first post. think thin be thin. It's by Doris Wild Helmering and Dianne Hales. It's basically a guide full of psychological ways to lose weight. I was drawn to it in the book store, so I picked it up. This was a while ago and it has since been collecting dust in my bedroom. Last night, I was feeling particularly restless and really wanted to eat some ice cream. I had a few bites of the ice cream and then set it on the table and let the rest melt...can't eat it then can I? I picked up the book and got started. It suggests using a journal to go through the parts of the book. I am going to use this blog, so you will get to go through the book with me! Yay for you!

Step #1:

I, Karen Hughes(May 5, 2011), will continue to read Think Thin, Be Thin and put some of the suggestions to work for me.

Step #2:

I have learned that I am in the Preparation Stage of weight loss, because I bought the book and am currently reading it, even contemplating trying some of the suggestions!!

Step #3:

Put Your Goals in Writing...

Since the week is about over I will put today's goal, but my weekly goal will begin now and extend to the end of next week, at which time, I can start over at the beginning of the following week.

Today's Goal: I will not snack or drink soda after dinner and if I start to feel the urge to snack, I will drink a glass of water!

This Week's Goal: I will take a walk of at least 15 minutes each day.

This Month's Goal: I will eat a piece of fruit or have a glass of water instead of some goldfish or a piece of chocolate when the craving hits. I will not feel guilty if I give in to the chocolate once or twice.

So, here I go! Here's to thinking myself thin....

Do you have some change?

Yes, that is what I asked. Do you have some change? I need some. How much you say? Oh, I don't know, 40, maybe 50 pounds of change. I gained 3 more pounds. I stopped restricting my soda intake. I feel hideous and guilty. I am not even hungry, yet I keep eating.

I tell myself it is stress. But is it? Or is it me? What am I afraid of really? What is that I am really doing to myself to keep from achieving my goal? Deep down inside, I am a vivacious, skinny girl who cares nothing about food and is happy to run down the street and dance around without a care in the world who will see me. On the outside, I am a frumpy and boring mom who hides behind her children and eats a cheeseburger because it's quick and easy. Why?

Because I want to spend more time with my family. Well, I could spend time with them while eating healthy too, so that's dumb. Because it tastes good. Well, so does grilled chicken. So, that's stupid. Because it's faster. Well, if I use the george foreman, it only takes about 7 minutes to grill a nice piece of chicken, so that one is null too. Because it's hard. Well, life is hard and it could always be worse, so that doesn't really work. Excuses, excuses and none of them good. When will I learn to stop eating bad food???