| Main Entry: | standstill |
| Part of Speech: | noun |
| Definition: | stop |
| Synonyms: | arrest, cessation, check, checkmate, corner*, dead end, dead stop, deadlock, delay, gridlock, halt, hole, impasse, inaction, pause, stalemate, standoff, wait |
http://thesaurus.com/browse/standstill
Standstill. Yep. That's where I'm at right now. Let me just be serious for a moment. I am having a really difficult time losing weight. It's so very hard. I mean, really, really hard. I look at people all around me doing it on their own and they all look fantastic and it seems so easy for them. So, why can't I do it? Why can't I make myself put down the cheeseburger? Why can't I make myself take a walk? I don't know. I'm not afraid to be honest. I do suffer from severe anxiety and I take medication for it. That anxiety makes it so hard for me to do some seemingly easy daily tasks because I have obsessive thoughts about them. Eating for example...when I was younger, as in before children and before anxiety(mine was brought on with the birth of my kids), I had no issues with food. I didn't care. I liked food, but I didn't think about it ALL the time. I ate when I was hungry and didn't give it much of a thought. I was active. I was thin. I didn't overeat.
Now, all day long I think about what I will eat next. I argue with myself over my choices and then I have tremendous guilt when I convince myself to drink a soda or eat a candy bar. It makes me feel like a crazy person. Certifiably nuts! I also tell myself all day that I will go home and take a walk. I'll take the kids and we'll walk to the park. I'll do some sort of work out. I'll do it. And then I go to bed. And I go to sleep. And I wake up feeling guilty and then I step on the scale and the number is higher and I want to cry.
The struggle is breaking through this cycle. If I can break the cycle, I can lose the weight and I can stop obsessing over food. What even makes a person obsess over food like this? I wish I knew! I have gotten there before...so far I've only made it last a few weeks. Somehow, I will pass a few weeks, then I will pass a few months and before I know it, I will be skinny again. I will.
