Two Steps Back

One step forward, two steps back. Such is the story of my life the last few years. Motivation is fleeting and only comes around every few weeks. While I am motivated, I eat well, I might exercise a little and I lose weight. It's greatness! But it only ever lasts a couple of weeks, and I'm right back to my old ways!

Recently, I lost 4 pounds. I have already gained it back. I take full responsibility for it...as I just gave up and quit watching what I was eating. There has been alot of stress as of late, and while it didn't use to be the case, when I am stressed, I eat alot! Oh how I wish it wasn't the case!

A long time ago, while in my first year of college(yes, I did gain the freshman 15), my boyfriend of two years broke it off unexpectedly. I was so distraught and sick to my stomach with grief that I just didn't eat. I couldn't. If I did, I got sick. I lost alot of weight, about 25 pounds. If I were to lose 25 pounds now, I would still be overweight, but then, it put me a little underweight...although, I will admit that I looked HOT! I was thin and could wear whatever I wanted. I liked how I looked. I of course began eating again, and gained 10 pounds back, putting me back at my recommended weight of 145. I stayed there until I became pregnant with my son. Somehow, with the help of my mother, I was able to get back to 145 after having my son and it didn't take too long. But I started gaining again about the time I moved in with my now husband. Happiness equals heaviness maybe? IDK.

The next unintended weight loss came months before I was married in 2008. I was probably about 175...of the exact number, I'm not sure, because I judged how I looked and felt by the size I wore, and at that time I was wearing a 12. I am the happiest and healthiest when I am wearing an 8. Ironically, right now I would be thrilled to wear a 12. Shortly after purchasing my wedding dress, I became ill. I couldn't eat a thing without terrible pain. It turned out it was my gall bladder and I ended up having it removed, but between January and April when it was finally taken out, I lost so much weight that I was back in an 8 and I had to have my wedding dress taken in. Alot. When I went for my fitting, it fell off me, literally. That was a great feeling, but short lived, because once the gall bladder was out and I could eat something besides jello or chicken broth, I did and I gained it all back. I bought a size 14 by the time I found out I was pregnant with Stella which was a mere 5 months after our wedding. That is ALOT of weight in such a short time.

While I don't know what happened to my brain or my body between getting pregnant with my son in 2003 and now, I do know that something changed and not for the better. I no longer have the willpower to stop eating when I should, or to choose an orange over a bag of potato chips. I no longer have an abundance of energy to go running down the street instead of going to bed at 8 pm. I'm old and tired. Okay, I'm not old, but I am tired and I do need to find a way to fix this! I need to find a happy medium and somehow trick my brain into thinking the way I used to, which was basically, "Oh, I'm so busy, I don't have time to eat!" and by the time I got around to it, I either wasn't hungry or would only have a small meal. Now, I am constantly thinking about what I will eat next and how much longer should I wait before it isn't deemed too short a time between meals...WOW. That is sick! I mean, surely I have some sort of problem!!!

Well, those were my thoughts for the day...sometimes I am just too tired to have a sense of humor about the whole weight loss issue. For me, it isn't just an easy fix...I have to change my entire way of thinking, and it isn't easy at all.